Are You a Fixer, Fighter, or Freezer? Dr. Shefali on the Parenting Patterns We Inherit

May 15, 2026 - 03:20

Clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary recently joined the podcast "The Parent Chat" to break down the unconscious patterns parents inherit from their own upbringing. During the conversation, host Dylan Dreyer found herself identifying with two specific archetypes: the "fixer" and the "freezer."

According to Dr. Shefali, most parents fall into one of three categories when faced with a child's emotional distress. The "fixer" jumps in immediately to solve the problem, unable to tolerate the discomfort of watching their child struggle. The "fighter" meets the child's intensity with their own, turning small conflicts into power struggles. The "freezer" shuts down emotionally, withdrawing from the situation because they feel overwhelmed or ill-equipped to handle it.

Dr. Shefali explained that these reactions are not innate but learned. They are coping mechanisms we absorbed from our own parents or developed to survive our childhood environments. The fixer, for example, often grew up feeling responsible for managing adult emotions. The freezer may have learned that silence was the safest response to conflict.

The goal, she said, is not to judge these patterns but to become aware of them. Once a parent recognizes their default mode, they can pause and choose a more conscious response. This shift allows them to connect with their child rather than react from a place of old conditioning. The conversation offered a gentle reminder that parenting is not about perfection but about breaking cycles and showing up with intention.